Featured Contributor; Rob. J. Perkins - The Endless Bummer



Gidget Movie 1959 - Columbia Pictures

Gidget Movie 1959 - Columbia Pictures

The picture above is from a movie “none of us” have seen; called “Gidget.” If you did see it, “Old Guys Rule!” Everyone else go ask your pop pop about it. It’s from like WW2.

They watched it on these things called VHS’s on these wide T.V’s called “Cathode Ray Tubes” the T.V is like that seen in “The Giver” before he started seeing colors. “Black and White” television; in case you missed that one Spicoli. To the surfer still hangin’ … it’s about some blonde chick from the “sunscreen ad with the dog pulling her bikini off.”  Remember they redid it in Playboy a long time ago.  Gidget starts to like a surfer named “Moon Doggie.” “Moon Dog” negs her so well, it makes that famous book about pick up artists (PUA’s) you all own…look so sad. That’s why there’s so many baby boomers by the way, they could play the game. In the movie then some John Travolta and Sandy thing happens. Probably a sing-a-long … I haven’t seen it either, so who knows, I’m sure Disney will pull it out of the vault soon.

So here’s my point. The compounding effect created by Hollywood, this is the bummer! “I’m getting bugged driving up and down the same old strip. I got to find a new place where the kids are hip. My buddies and me are getting real well known, yeah the bad guys know us but they leave us alone.-The Beach Boys” . . . Hollywood created this image to the outside paper pusher perimeter of the world of what and who a “surfer” is. By the way we all have an I.Q below 85, in case you didn’t know that either. You probably didn’t since you’re a… (Shaking my head) “Surfer!”

Outside of our subculture-we are “Aloha Bra’s!”…we are a sequential Hollywood compounding gimmick that is getting increasingly worse. Heavens for bid- if you put “Surfing” as a hobby on a job application! We are Moon Doggie, Spicoli from Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Zack Morris from Saved by the Bell. To another unit we are some life guard with a whistle and a rescue patrol can taking orders from Hobie’s dad, as we watch Pam Anderson trot by. They call him Bodhi…short for “Bodhizafa (from the Real Point Break with Patrick Swayze.) Not the one you watched last week with your girlfriend “Utah!” Netflix and Chill this “real” one brosafeen. Damn Millennials. (I happen to like CD-ROM’s you Grommet!) Or my favorite surf costume…a 14 year olds clothing company called HCO…pop your colla! Its hella cool dude to wear a polo with a seagull on it! Betty’s make sure you got a Roxy Decal on your back windshield, or no one will believe you’re a surfer gal!

“This is how shoe bees look at us”- exclaims Otto Rocket. Then mums changes the channel to the penguin surfing movie…and oh yeah, it’s a “Rock Hopper” Penguin -Got Blonde Highlights. Are we a gimmick? I believe the master craftsmans like Rusty Priesendorfer, Al Merrick, The Young Pipe Masters like John Jon Florence, the Sunny Garcia’s and the Santa Cruz’s own Jay Moriarity deserve a lil more respect. “Chasing Mavericks was a Joke!”  “No Worries right?” Page 1348 of the Surfers Bible says you MUST have long blonde hair to reply…past shoulder length, don’t play with us Peralta. Pirates don’t wear watches! . . .  Are you cool with this shallow smoke and mirror Hollywood conditioned image that we a Malibu Ken doll without cognitive capability, or are we deeper water looking to submerge? Next year I’m thinking about the “Pumping iron test look”, or maybe “the Biebs tattooed sleeve with a Flavor Flav gold chain…Polls are up on bad boys right now guys, time to ditch the surfer! (Rob pauses typing, turns down Sublime’s greatest hits…looks for the keys to his Jeep Wrangler, realizing his Zig Zag’s are in stash box…) ‘If a light bulb went off in your head reading this…hit your head against the wall, everything will go dark again. But don’t worry…its part of the gimmick.

BACKGROUND MUSIC: Pounding drums… “Some people stand in the darkness Afraid to step into the light some people need to help somebody When the edge of surrenders in site Don't you worry, It's gonna be alright 'Cause I'm always ready I won't let you outta my sight…” Yellow Scarab sweeps the water and sprays the T.V Screen’